Fifty, Without the Rush

I turned fifty today—and for the first time, I’m not in a hurry to become anything.

I didn’t wake up feeling older. I woke up feeling less hurried.

Turning fifty does that to you. Not with drama or dread, but with a pause so subtle you almost miss it, until you notice that you’re no longer running inside your own head.

For a long time, I believed life was something to be figured out. That clarity would eventually arrive. That if I made the right decisions, stayed disciplined, worked hard, and ticked enough boxes, life would finally nod back and say, “Yes. Approved.”

It never did. But something better happened instead.

Over the last few years, my thinking has changed, not suddenly, not strategically, but gradually. Just like sediment settling at the bottom of a restless river.

I didn’t become wiser overnight; I simply became less interested in proving anything.

Less eager to accumulate success, certainty, and validation. More willing to shed and let go.

Earlier, my mind chased answers. Now, it enjoys better questions.

“कभी-कभी समझदारी जवाब मिलने से नहीं, सवालों के साथ गुफ्तगू करने से आती है।”

I once thought confusion was a temporary condition - something to be solved, escaped, or corrected. Today, I see it differently.

Uncertainty isn’t a bug in life. It’s a part of our operating system.

To me the world feels noisier now. Faster & more fragile. Plans feel tentative, like pencil sketches instead of blueprints. And for the first time, I’m actually okay with that.

I no longer wait for chaos to settle. I arrange my inner furniture around it.

Earlier, I wanted control over outcomes, narratives, and timing. Yes, I was a control freak. I always wanted life to behave. But, these days, I’m far more interested in something quieter and far more humane: Comfort - Peace.

Not escape. Not numbness. Just Comfort.

I find comfort in writing without checking how it will perform. Comfort in thinking without rushing to conclusions. Comfort in creating without asking, “But what will this lead to?”

(For the record, I still like results. I’m just no longer willing to sacrifice my peace for the sake of them.)

“अब सुकून चाहिए, सबूत नहीं।”

There are still many things I want to do- creative writing, philosophical learning. Not because they’ll look impressive on my LinkedIn bio, but because they feel honest. Writing that doesn’t shout. Ideas that don’t need defending. Conversations that don’t end in conclusions.

These passions aren’t new. They were inside me, simply waiting for courage. Or maybe for fewer fears.

At fifty, I don’t feel the need to declare this the best phase of my life. That feels like marketing. These aren’t years of conquest or expansion. They’re years of depth. Fewer ambitions, perhaps - but more intentional ones.

Less “What’s next?”

More “What’s true?”

“ज़िंदगी अब समझ में नहीं आती,पर उतनी डरावनी भी नहीं है।”

I don’t feel younger.I feel clearer.

Clear about what drains me.

Clear about what nourishes me.

Clear about the fact that life may never fully make sense- and that’s not a failure. I am fine with it.

So today, I’m not making resolutions. I’m making a quiet promise- to stay curious, to keep creating, and to resist the comfort of false certainty.

To find stillness without demanding silence from the world.

At fifty, I don’t know where life is going. But I finally trust the way I walk.